Ask Arthur, Our Agony Uncle

Once again we ask ARTHUR, the infamous lifestyle coach and dog therapist to help our correspondents with their problems from his retreat in Malibu, California.

Dear Arthur,

I have an ongoing dispute with my human that’s souring our relationship. I think she’s being unreasonable but whatever I do or say just doesn’t seem to change her mind. It all started last year when I had a dried pig’s ear that I was enjoying chewing and was getting through nicely. What happened next is partly my human’s fault. She brought home a lovely juicy bone (probably out of guilt for leaving me by myself for the day again) which she gave to me. I was torn on whether to finish the pig’s ear or go onto the bone. Eventually the smell of the bone won through and I took the pig’s ear out to a patch in the garden where I buried it to keep it fresh for another less bountiful day in the future. One thing led to another as these things do and I forgot about the pig’s ear until a month ago when it came as a pleasant memory to me during a dream about eating as I was particularly hungry at the time. I rushed out to the garden and started digging but the human came screaming out after me yelling something about flower beds. I’ve got no idea what she’s talking about. Every time I even go near the patch where the ear’s buried she goes nuts at me. She reached a new height of madness yesterday and squirted me with WATER!. I don’t know what to do, I’m at my wits’ end. Now I’ve remembered that the ear’s there, something inside me just won’t rest until I find it. What should I do?

Barnie, Suffolk, UK

Dear Barnie,

I’ve heard many tales of this kind of unreasonable behavior from humans before. I don’t know why they sometimes obsess about different patches of land. I’ve never been able to smell much of a difference myself but I know that occasionally if you wander through a certain growth of flowers or explore under a particular bush, they get hysterical. It’s a problem and I certainly feel your pain as far as the pig’s ear is concerned. I can only suggest a secret night raid as a solution, if that’s impossible then patience is the key. At some point in the future, you and that pig’s ear will be re-united. Rewards come to those who wait!


Dear Arthur,

I don’t know if I can stand it any more. My human has taken up SINGING. Every night now he makes an awful noise. I don’t know what to do, I tried distracting him and even singing along with him in the hope that it would make him stop but it just seems to annoy him. I don’t know what do do – I thought I had him perfectly trained. I can’t work out where this latest obsession has come from.

Sansa, Alabama
Dear Sansa,

That’s terrible news for you unfortunately. Once they hear their own voices singing there doesn’t seem to be much you can do to stop them. All the training expertise says to stop any signs of singing at an early stage, if this has been going on for a while there could be no stopping it. Aversion therapy is all I can suggest. Use all means at your disposal to make your displeasure felt.

Good luck


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